So, here I am.
Recently, I had a job with a non-profit in Seattle. I had a nice place, with a wonderful girlfriend and three happy cats. Now, I have none of those.
How did I get here?
The non-profit lost funding. I had to move out of the nice place. One of the cats was killed, and the other two moved out with the girlfriend.
There’s so much I don’t know where to begin. I still love her, and there seems to be some love left for me, but it’s running thin with each passing day.
I have problems I need to deal with. I fulfill all, not just some, of the criteria by which depression is recognized. I have issues from my childhood about happiness and self-worth that I absolutely must resolve.
She is wonderful, but I hurt her by being unable to be happy. I hurt her by having some messed up thing where sex became difficult in spite of my ernest desire for her. I pushed her away because I was unable to deal with the fact that a beautiful, wonderful woman wanted me when I was stressed and depressed about my life. That’s serious tragedy.
She needed space before we met. When we met, she was married. We honestly were going to live apart and date for several years, but we ended up living together almost immediately. She reminded me that I offered to go away for as long as she needed when we met, and that it was what she needs now.
So, she is finding herself, by herself. We’re still speaking, and nervously we hug and occassionally kiss. There’s still something there. There’s so many things that I loved, and would love again, being with her. Somehow I could never tell her quite how much she meant to me while we were together, perhaps in fear of chasing her away.
I love her so very much, but it seems like I start to fall apart when it’s time for me to gracefully exit. The time that we spend together is awkward at first, pretty good in the middle and then difficult when we part.
Today I am seeking professional help in dealing with my issues. I am going to explore ways to deal with my depression, and then I will work on my other issues.
Maybe, if I am the luckiest man on this earth, I will have another serious chance to be with her. Maybe she can forgive me for my faults and still find love for me in her heart when we are apart.
I hope she finds herself. I need to re-find myself also. I seem to have lost myself at some point. Perhaps it was mounting resistance by my issues, but I ended up shutting down for a long while. When we met I stuggled to break free from the lethargy into which I’d fallen, but I’ve only partially had success.