Talked to A on the phone today. Several things have been zinging through my head since.
First, she mentioned that she didn’t think that Gemini traits matched me very well. She specifically mentioned one trait as being not me, in her experience. I always thought that the Gemini matched me really well, surprisingly so. It seems like there’s a whole side of me that she hasn’t gotten to see much. She’s seen the gregarious and wild me occasionally, but not really very often.
She also mentioned that some people had told her that it was interesting to see what she was like without someone clinging to them. Of course, that probably has a lot to do with the way things have been in the last month, but I can’t help but feel like that’s unfair. I wonder if that was said by someone that had seen us much before we were having trouble, I was trying so hard and she was pushing back for space so hard. I mean there’s specific reasons why the last month or so I’ve been nervous as hell not the least of which is that things were going badly, but I was also trying to keep working on the relationship and show her that affection and attraction like she wanted me to show more often. I’m sure that I was also reacting poorly to her pushing me away, and I could probably tell that something was going on, like all the anger that she was storing up and not able to work through with me about things because of how she felt like her head would be bitten off by me on the little things I was grumpy about, so how could she feel like she could deal with the big stuff?
I suppose in a way it’s moot, but I’m not completely convinced that the closeness was bad in itself. I mean, being snuggly and cuddly in public isn’t bad when things are going well. Also, she was out a lot with all the same people without me at all, so they must have seen her without me there too anyway. We’d be sitting there watching M & J be all loving in public, but it wasn’t okay for us to do the same thing because of where things were with us. I’m not saying that there wasn’t something messed up, but I want to believe that there would still be a place for public affection and that it’s not all bad to want to be close and loverly in public. I recognize that it shouldn’t be all the time but I think it’s unfortunate when couples lose that giddy cute and active lover stuff.
So another thought while talking to A today, I had this realization that maybe I’m constitutionally built to need stuff like theatre in my life. Maybe I need to have something like rehearsals or other projects to keep me going. I mean, I had stuff like the BBS that I ran where I would have a poetry room where I would force myself to write something new each time I got to it, but I haven’t given myself that kind of structured project in a long time. Doing this play may be part of exactly what I’ve been missing for myself, to keep myself alive inside.
I think both she and I entered our relationship without having a firm grasp on who we were. We were both out of touch with who we were individually. I think that to some extent we tried to create a space for the other person to be safe. She did, definitely, help me feel okay to explore lots of things about myself like my emotions and my spirituality. I think I worked hard to be there for her and to create a place where she could explore herself and go through some of her emotional issues. So, perhaps, we both invested ourselves in making a place for the other person and being invested in the relationship for the other.
I think if we can both come to a relationship with with a firm grasp on ourselves, then there might be something even more magical between us than before. If we love each other as much as I think we do now, I imagine it would be something even more amazing if we were able to bring our whole selves to the relationship.
She’s gotten to know part of who I am, but I think I have at least a whole other part of me that she hasn’t gotten to experience yet. I think if I can keep hold of the part of me that I’ve misplaced, and am getting in touch with right now, and bring that with me …
I would love to have a relationship where we are both as completely ourselves as possible, and build a relationship from there where we are in it with each other instead of for the other.
I realize I was working from the beginning to create a safe place for her to find herself, and to grow. I think I got scope locked on that idea to the point that I forgot to give myself space enough to find myself again. I spent a great deal of effort in creating the safe and loving and gentle place for her that I thought she needed and wanted.
Sure, there were lots of times that I wanted to visit Joey when we were down here, but I didn’t because I felt she would rather not. Sure, there were lots of times that I didn’t go do things, like movies or whatever, because I thought I should be there for her and wanted to make sure I was with her. Sure, I’d wanted to go for a walk or do yoga when she didn’t sometimes, but didn’t because I wanted to do it with her more than I wanted to do it. However, through all of that I think I still wasn’t able to get myself motivated for myself. I was quite often bored, like part of me was still home alone in the old basement apartment biding my time. That’s just down right unhealthy, and I think I realized it, but didn’t want to risk losing my relationship by not maintaining that safe, gentle and loving space.
I don’t mean that to say that anyone but myself created that situation for myself, and I don’t regret one bit of it. However, what would be really great is to be able to go the next step and find a balance for that energy and focus so that I was also creating my own personal safe and loving place for myself which I could share with her too.
I also don’t mean that we wouldn’t still have safety and love to give each other. I mean that neither of us would feel like that was our purpose in the relationship for the other. I mean rather that it would be something that would perhaps grow naturally out of us both being together with the beautiful, wonderful person that we loved.
I’ve been moaning about not having anything left to say as an excuse for not writing, but maybe it has more to do with not letting myself have the kind of project space I needed to keep that part of me active.
I hope with all my heart that I’ll have a chance to keep learning to know A and that she will get to keep meeting more of who I am. In a funny way, this reminds me of what people told her about me having many layers. I think there’s more layers to me than she has had a chance to become familiar with, and maybe some of those are parts of me that I’ve been ignoring for so long. So, if she was able to fall in love with just that part of me that she’s met so far then being more fully myself could only be more interesting and exciting.
So, I kinda feel like it’s a paraphrase of a song and I’d look in those beautiful brown eyes and say “you ain’t seen nothing yet.”
Joey, Linda and I are planning to go snowshoe/snowboarding next weekend. They also mentioned that they are planning on doing the Seattle-to-Portland bike ride in June or whatever. That’s a pretty big goal, but working toward something specific like that might be a perfect chance for me to have a focus toward getting in shape.
I was reading through a vegetarian cookbook at Joey and Linda’s and every other page was a recipe that I wanted to cook with A. I imagined being in a kitchen making our own vegetable broth for soups, and tons of other things again. I could see us with a kitchen where we canned our own broth and other ingredients and things.
I picked up a yoga mat and strap. It also came with the CD of the morning and evening workouts so I don’t have to have the playstation hooked up to remember the whole program. I want to keep doing yoga in the mornings like I’ve been doing. I also think I’m going to try to be at rehearsals early to do a physical warm up, for which the mat will be useful.
Well, monday is my first rehearsal in something like 12 years and it’s only a few hours away now!