Made stirfry, peanut sauce and sandwich mix today. The sandwich mix turned out much better this time, I think.

I took some of the stirfry and peanut sauce for dinner, which I ate damned quickly during a 10 minute break. Everyone was fawning over the smell, and one member of the cast tried some of it and said it was really good.

Found out today which parts I play. I swap the two old men parts with Michael Cheney. It’s so stupid that this depresses me. I’m having so much fun, and such a silly thing like not being in a lead role sets me to grumbling and getting down on myself.

If it’s what I think is going to happen, it’s going to be a bit like “Jack’s House” and even when I’m not doing a role I may be on stage anyway, but even if that’s not the case it just means that for the people that auditioned, that’s the role that I fit in.

It’s so dumb that I’m all bent out of shape because I wanted a big role to show off to all my friends. I should know better than that. First off, it’s been 12 years and I did get cast with a part which is more than I have had in a long time. Also, I played tiny roles in Romeo & Juliet but had people really complimenting my work and noticing my work on stage, so I know first hand that I can still make an impression. Finally, it’s not about impressing people, although I’m still finding myself stuck on other people’s approval it seems, it’s about doing good work that I can be proud of for myself.

It’s also about me finding myself again, and this whole thing where I’m not happy with the role is part of the problem. I need to find the joy in doing it, like I was doing before the cast list was posted. I’ve been full of joy during rehearsals, why stop that now?

I had two meals today. That’s the first day I’ve managed to eat more than one meal. I’ve got to keep healthy, and this whole not eating, not sleeping thing is not good.

I was in line behind someone at the store earlier today that didn’t have a silly safeway club card. The cashier asked if I had one he could use the number from, and I did since I’d actually brought the card in. Not only did I save him $6 but he also got my extra 5% off. He didn’t seem to speak very good english, but he thanked me sincerely. I was glad I could help, and from the way he reacted, I think he was pretty happy to save that much on a single bag of stuff.

Current Music: Primus – Southbound Pachyderm