It’s what happens

I read a tweet that said, “Loneliness is what happens when you don’t let people in.”

Well, fuck and shit. That’s like saying to someone who’s dying, “Death is what happens when you stop breathing.” Yes, it seems actually true in a particular and peculiar kind of way; but, it’s also fucking stupid and shitty to say. It’s as fucking cruel and shallow and mistaken and oblivious and misguided and possibly dangerous and shitty as people who tell a homeless person they really know nothing about to “get a job.” Not only does it not do anything whatsoever to help, it’s quite simply a fucking shitty thing to say.

When I let people in, if I manage some form of success doing it at all even when I do try, they hurt me, or I hurt them; or more likely both.

So, fuck you, trite and simplistic statement. Just, fuck off and die!

Sigil for magical partners

One of the recent things in my life is that I’ve been developing a relationship with someone who shares an interest in being magical partners together. One aspect of this came up as a suggestion from my partner that we might have a sigil of some kind to represent the combination of our emergent effort.

I’ve done some work in the past with bind-runes and sigils for imaginal landscapes, among other things; so I started to think about a kind of bind-rune with the initials of our magical names. I was also reminded of the ring my father’s father had made in France during WWII that has the family initials on it.

First, I created a series of images with the initials of our magical names arranged in different relationships with each other, arranging them in a variety of ways that seemed interesting to look at and different than the others.

This was basically just a test file to see what I see in the shapes and their relationships. I think there’s some great possibilities there. I sent this to my partner also so she could gander as well as so we could talk about our Rorschach-like test results for these shapes; immediately I see stars in some, but lots of almost organic shapes, including the last which makes me think of a flower or rose and for which I added some colours to make the glyphs distinct in spite of much overlap. I also see ways that the Mem-Kappa can echo both the M(agdalene) and K(alokagathon) as well as the initials of our civil names K and G. But, from this there’s definitely some interesting shapes here to play with and work on!

But going through the glyph relationships:

1. I see a star in the middle. also the Mem at the bottom is like a partial top of a G glyph. K & G being our civil initials as well as Mem & Kappa being the initials of our magical names, in reverse order of our magical names.

2. I see the hint of a heart in the middle

4. I see a hint of a tree

6. Another heart is hinted to me in the place where the glyphs join

7 & 8 I actually see a shape of a map of the US in these two, which echoes the two coasts. I also see the Mem and the serif of the K in each forming an arabic M which hints at some possible initialisms like in 1

9 I see a stem and flower here, perhaps of a rose

Of course, the sigil needn’t be so literal about these letter shapes, and could go more for a graphical lamen or waxen seal design, with symbolic elements; but this was an initial experiment.

I sent the glyph study to my partner, and she send back what she saw in these relationships.

My Roschach test is below… I’m trying not to look at your answers until I do mine so I’m not influenced!

1. ummm nothing!

2. flower or sea creature shapes

3. old pacman designs

4. swing dancers

5. bullfighter with a swirling cape behind him

6. old rod iron fence outside a garden

7. someone in a hershey kiss costume dancing with someone in a kit kat costume (like hershey park when I was a kid)

8. similar to 7

9. not sure, the color was throwing me off

Oh my… I’m a bit off from what you saw!!! lol. I think its a great start.

So, looking at some of the features we came up with from the glyph arrangements, I did some more work playing with the sigil idea as an inked-in pencil illustration as a draft of one possible sigil, but I think it turned out pretty good.

I know the key and bee are derivative of The Magicians: A Novel, but it was in my mind associated with the two of us because that’s what we selected for our first bookclub selection. The rest of the illustration is of a Greek kappa and an Hebrew mem joined so that they form a five pointed star in the middle. Of course, “every man and every woman is a star” but also in Crowley’s star-sponge vision the relationships we form are also stars in their own right. Thus, I think the star in the middle is a reminder of both our individual sovereignty as well as what we are building together.

For myself I like the idea of the bee actually facing down into the Kappa, like a descending dove, but also because the Kappa could be more of a flower. The Mem could be more keyhole shaped, or even could hint of a beehive. The key is intentionally but only slightly phallic, but I suppose there could be some detail for it to be more serpent like, as in a rising serpent.

The kappa could be wider and less tall, and the star might be smaller. Also, I wonder if there’s a way to bring a square and a hexagram into this also, or if that’s too much.

Another thought is that I’d like the sigil to be something that can be both very detailed and also something that can be quickly drawn, say as if next to initials or in place of initials on a guestbook or epistle.

Further it’d be spiffy if there were an email version, some kind of emoticon. “BK*MF” might be too much of a stretch … maybe just “K*M” … or “M*K” … I kinda prefer the ordering Mem Kappa, but in the illustration the Kappa on top forms the star; of course, there’s no reason why it can’t be written “M*K” whatever the arrangement of the sigil.

Also, I keep wondering what could be on the right side of the star … maybe that’s something for later?

Well, it’s definitely a start, but with tweaks and more thought this could be pretty nice.

One thought we had originally was to create some jewelry with our sigil on it. Certainly necklaces or something, but when I think about how I’ve actually used my grandfather’s ring as a wax seal, though the initials come out mirrored; I think about how having the eventual sigil as a wax seal would be pretty fantastic for using as part of magical operations, as well as the grand nostalgia from using the wax seal of our sigil on letters we might send each other. When this sigil, or another if we replace it, is far enough along; that’ll be a time to start exploring options for getting something custom-made for us using the design.

the dream broke

Some of the things you said last night and before matched with my nightmare about moving and never seeing you; really threw me for a loop. I think the dream broke. The invincibility of infatuation has worn away to reveal a bleak reality. What I’m left with is the sure and definite fact that I love you like no other, ever; but I’m also left with the burning and sinking suspicion that you’re going to break my heart. I don’t know if I can survive that. I can let that scare me away, or I can accept it. I can accept that I’m in this for hell or high water, and that I’m a dead man walking into his own grave. But, something broke. I felt for the first time since we met that I’m alone. I don’t feel you with me any more. I don’t know what to do. I feel like hiding, curling up and dying.


For me, superstition is not characterized by choosing one metaphor over another labeled wrong, but rather in mistaking perception and metaphor for an objective reality; and to banish superstition is to realize this: that truth is never without subjectivity because any truth understood by a mind is conditioned by the limitations of mind, that metaphors and perceptions are tools of mind to understand facets of greater things beyond and bigger than the simple and flimsy container of comprehension. While I do really like my hammer, and it has served me well on many an occasion; it is merely one tool in my toolbox. While I treat my tools with respect, I do not worship my hammer or mistake it for the things I can build while using it, nor do I mistake my hammer as universally useful for all tasks no matter how handy and at hand it seems. Further, although I have a hammer, I try not to seek out only nails, rejecting all other methods of construction, but, and because, I rather enjoy the opportunity to use a screwdriver once in a while too. I recognize that I am enamoured with the possibility that what I think of as my tools have agency, and that I’m actually in relationship with them, but recognize this is also another metaphor. Finally, sometimes I like to try the ecstatic experience of working without tools, and instead rely on my own hands to shape and mould, though I recognize that even still my body is a kind of tool, perhaps even metaphor, perhaps with its own agency, of mind, but that there is a kind of noesis available through the personal and close acts of crafting and creating which is to be enjoyed for its own sake without hammers at all.

The three stages of lamer ideation

The Three Stages of Lamer Ideation


1. Emphatically Ridicule

“That’s the stupidest idea ever. Where did you get that idea from?”


2. Secretly Internalize



3. Claim Credit

“You know, I’ve always said …”


B: Huh. Interesting idea. And, who’s idea is this that you’re taking credit for now?

A & B: …

B: Oh, right. That would be my idea.

A & B: …

B: Oops. Did I look behind the curtain again?

the information being presented

The material represents a diversity of ideas spread across time, culture and tradition. It is better to present these ideas without hiding them in order to get a better understanding of them. Sometimes this better understanding means also taking into account cultural contexts of where and when and by whom these ideas appear.

So, it is possible to find something on my site which can offend just about anyone. However, I do endeavor to present information that we deem to have redeeming value within the overall theme of the site for the student or researcher. Which is to say that I do not present information with the intention to offend, but that some information I present as important within the scope of the site may offend some.

It can sometimes be hard for people to understand that presenting information does not imply advocacy for that idea. So, to be clear: the opinions and, yes, sometimes even the facts presented on the site do not necessarily represent the opinions of either myself or maybe even anyone but the original author. On the other hand, maybe it does. One of the purposes of the site is to advocate that the information I present is accessible, and to that end I try not to editorialize over or obscure the original information.

I read banned books. I believe in open access to information. I celebrate ideas, even those with which I disagree. I hope to challenge but it is not my aim to offend. Sometimes that just happens, and usually says more about the person that is offended than it does about the information being presented.


I think it is possible to mistake for success a process that devours a plentiful resource, and fail to realize that as unsustainable. Also, there are inevitable side-effects and unintended consequences which can be attributed to that mistaken success, not the least of which is a serious lowering of expectations on what constitutes success in order to maintain self-deception past a point when cracks begin to appear in the edifices of a life that is heading toward catastrophic failure. I don’t mean to be rude, but I merely have to look at your teeth to know that there is something seriously damaging about your lifestyle.


And that’s why I guess I’ll wait with baited breath for your stream of status updates in response with passive-aggressive quotes trying on various rationalizations and excuses in other threads and venues, hoping one will stick. But what you’ll no doubt fail to realize is that no matter how you dismiss any criticism, it is the pattern of your behavior which will remain unaltered. In fact, your very struggles to dismiss and minimize critique is part of the pattern, your well rehearsed techniques of propagandizing against anyone that gets in the way of your ego.