I have a contract to re-negotiate. I did that a bit already, but I need to really work it out. Somehow I’ve come to the belief that when I was very young, around the time of my car accident, I arranged a contract with, who I’ve come to think of as, Ma’at that agreed to exchange happiness for being alive. I have carried this idea that in order to live I had agreed that every happy thing in my life would be taken away.

That’s a really sucky contract, especially for a kid to have to deal with. A partner once remarked, “I don’t think if there are powers like that in the Universe, that they would make a kid agree to a contract like.” Maybe that’s true, and She only made the contract because I asked for it, and She’s not the one holding me to it: I am.

So, I had the chance in a visioning/meditation to visit with divinity and have a conversation. I brought up this contract and I’m sure we can come to some new understanding. But, I need to do more on this.

I need to either just refuse the contract, repudiate it completely; or, I need to arrange something new.

malek taus

he comes
and then
he leaves you
spent, exhausted
but wanting more

if you could handle it
he’d be ready

his wand is the axis
of the world
and he churns
in you
turning his precious substance
into pearls
that he leaves behind
in you

these pearls become stars
that quiver from your skin
into the dark night sky

produce aisle

Just tell me when, and I’ll
meet you in the produce aisle
smelling of pomegranates and limes

this time I’ll bring kisses
and you’ll forget the times I didn’t

sunshine in my brain

I want to tell you something. For some reason I’m afraid to say anything. I trust you more than I trust anyone else, but I’m afraid what you’ll think.

I don’t mean to be mysterious. But, I’m afraid you won’t believe me. Or, that you’ll be mad that it’s happened now instead of a year or more ago. Or, just sad to think that my brain is damaged.

So, I’m telling this to you in perfect love and perfect trust. I hope you take it that way and I hope you’ll let me know your honest feelings about it.

When we were talking in the car on the Sunday of circle, you said to me, “You need more help than I can give.”

For perhaps obvious reasons, I was looking through a natural health book that’s on the shelves here for information on depression. There are ten criteria that are used to diagnose depression. If one has four or five of them, that’s enough to indicate clinical depression. I can, without much pride, say that on a good day I have had that many. This weekend, after you left, I had all ten.

So, I really sat down and read the section. It was like looking in the mirror. Everything that’s been going on for me for so long that I just couldn’t figure out was right there. I’d read them before and recognized them, but this time it really hit me hard.

There were a series of suggestions on what to do. I selected as many as I could reasonably implement right away. So, I’ve stopped drinking caffeine, such as my much beloved black tea. That also helps to implement another suggestion: eliminate refined sugar in my diet. And, I’ve been taking a variety of suggested supplements, such as multi-vitamins, several times a day.

One of the suggestions was to take throughout the day something called 5-HTP. This is a chemical precursor to the neurotransmitter seratonin, and increasing seratonin in the brain is one of the primary targets of anti-depression medication.

I figured, why not? Maybe, like taking St. John’s Wart, I would not feel any different and I felt I’d lost pretty much everything when you left so I had nothing to lose. So, I got some and started to take it …

I feel like there’s sunshine in my brain.

It’s like clouds behind clouds that I didn’t realize existed were suddenly parted. If I didn’t have a really legitimate reason to be sad because of where we are, I feel like dancing and singing. This whole week, I’ve been able to concentrate on doing things without feeling helpless. That means I’ve been getting all kinds of stuff done on looking for jobs, doing paperwork, and even yoga every morning. I’ve been bopping around to music and thinking how much I wish I could see you and ask you to go with me on a walk; to go swimming; to go, yes even, dancing.

It’s probably hard to believe. It’s happening to me and it’s even hard for me to believe.

I don’t want this sunshine to go away. And, I wish I could share it with you. You know, I’m sad and lonely, but happy about it. (Like Ron’s tea reading for Harry in Divinations class in the Prisoner of Azkaban: “You’ll suffer, but you’ll be happy.”)

I feel like there’s a Patronus in my head.

As much as I’m afraid of using prescription anti-depressants, I think that’s what I have to do. I may be able to use 5-HTP for a while, but there’s things about it that make long-term use kinda iffy, including the really inconvenient fact that sometimes it stops working and one has to take a break. So, I’ve got to figure out how to keep the effect without having to take a break like that.

The way I feel right now makes it clear to me that I have been living with dark thunderclouds in my brain for probably my entire adult life, if not longer. And, it makes it clear to me that I cannot escape those clouds without help. The way I feel now makes it so clear to me that it really is in my brain, like my brain has been being attacked by Dementors that no one could see. And, suddenly they’ve been chased away.

You were absolutely right that the happy person you met is part of me. But, even then, it appears my depression is part of me as well. I wish I could go back and shove 5-HTP down the throat of the me I have been since we met so that I could have felt like this the whole time we were together.

If I only had a (different) brain.

I wish I could go back, and start over. I wish I could meet you at Traditions for our first date again. But, I don’t want to give up any of the amazing times we had together since then. We really did have something special together that’s worth celebrating and remembering as if singing and dancing with joy; so many laughs, so many insights, so many moments of beauty and pleasure.

If all acts of pleasure are Her rituals, I know in my heart that we worshipped Goddess by being in love and making love together.

But, how I feel right now doesn’t change all the anguish I caused you. I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t know how to make up for that. I don’t know if there’s a way that you can forgive me for having the brain that I have.

I don’t know if anything could change your decision, but I feel like this sunshine in my brain is a gift, maybe it even feels like a miracle, a kiss on the forehead by a Good Witch; and there is no one else I want to share this with more than with you. Some time if you can forgive me for how I’ve treated you, how I’ve been … I wish that maybe, just maybe, there could be a time when you’d let me ask you out again to dinner, or dancing, or even just on a walk.

Even if that time never comes, know that I love you, no matter what.

he’s too mousy for that

like a mommy cat
if he had confidence
bringing in a mouse

he’s too mousy for that

like a kid
so desperately proud
and needy
asking you to watch
how they’ve just learned
to use the toilet

there’s no accomplishment

leaving things
like clippings
and pictures
and things
in your way

like a cheater that moves pieces
when you get up to go places

hoping to catch your eye
or score a point
when you come back

you rush in and demand

you rush in and demand
I take you seriously about things
that don’t even matter

plans for the future that may not occur
or that could be made at that time
in the future

and when a decision has been made
you proceed to make new problems
for which plans need to be made
right away

and that makes old plans
even less meaningful
than they already were

and that’s only if
you even remember
the plans you make

you rush in like a child
Looking for praise
not in service
“I did this for you!
Don’t you like it?”

Samhain – Spiral Dance ’06

I am reminded to remember this night
that Beltanes past and future take flight
on the wings of these samhain ravens
in the beaks of our ancestors, allies and descendants
(their bones, our bones; their blood, our blood)
the bright noon of our days, years and lives
shines, shone and will shine again

(the bones and blood of the past gives me strength for the future)

I stand here between the past and future,
like Beltane opposite this night on the wheel of life
and raise my goblet:

To the past & future, but especially to the here & now(, we drink it in:)


Updated Lugh bind rune rhyme

So, a friend pointed out to me that it might be good to check out the rhyme and meter of the skalds … so, with only minimal familiarity I made a pass at my bind rune rhyme. It’s not done by any means but it’s a start. The parentheses are places that I have more to say than room, or are things that could be said instead. Everything else, besides the parenthetical, is implicitly if not explicitly, still provisional.

I guess it will be a while before I’ve earned my mead. It’s still a little bit like haiku written in high school compared to the real things, but here’s what I have so far … I thought I’d share:

No tree takes root or grows without seed.
No fruit falls to ground without tree.
No seed (by elements) splits, is spit or swallowed
(and shit) without fruit.
No seed sown in soil without harvest.

See also: Lugh circle cast

Lugh circle cast

We begin, 15 degrees Leo, at harvest time,
marking space and time, as if with a plow in a field,
traveling the year, looking forward, looking back
to the fall ahead of us and a year ago
to the winter ahead and ago
to the spring ahead and ago
to the summer ahead and ago
back to the harvest time, where we are, were and will be.

The sacred is cut off from that which is not.
Our circle is well built, well supported, well established.
We are between the years.
So mote it be.

See also: Lugh bind rune rhyme, Updated Lugh bind rune rhyme

smash it

smash it smash it
kill the christmas tree
stomp it stomp it
and give the remains to me
I’ll tie it tie it
tie it in a knot
in the basement basement
it will surely rot

(This is actually something I wrote a very long time ago …)

Samhain – Spiral Dance ’05

Slightly modified from a traditional circle casting:

By the earth that is her body
and the grove that is his home
they are the foundation for our circle

By the air that is her breath
and the music that is his song
they are the inspiration for our work

By the fire of her bright spirit
and the heat of his passion
they are the laughter we will share

By the waters of her womb
and the dew of his sweat
they are the tears we will shed

As above the sky, so below the root and all between.

From my heart to your heart, the circle is cast round.

Our circle is cast round.
We are now between the worlds,
and what happens between the worlds
affects all the worlds.

Ostara ’05

Welcome North, the colour black, the season of winter and the element of Earth.

I don’t want to start a contest, but I’ve noticed that earth is heavier than air, which is good because if it weren’t we’d all be ants.

I’ve noticed that earth is not flammable, which is good, because if it were we’d be toast.

Earth absorbs water, which is good because if it didn’t we’d all be fish.

As for earth, well, it’s earthy, which is good because if it weren’t where would the green plants grow?

what are you gonna do

what are you gonna do
when people put up yard sale signs
but won’t sell you their yards?

what are you gonna do
if lovers lips are so sweet
they pucker when they kiss?

people don’t mean what they say
and don’t say what they mean
and people are mean when they say

what are you gonna do?

Brigid ’04

One of the old traditions for this time of year was to place a candle in the window. This was to act as a beacon for the Goddess. This is the time of year when the Goddess starts her journey of return from the Underworld. She is bringing something with her.

The Goddess went to the Underworld to be with the old sun one last time. She goes into the dark to rescue the light. At Samhain she, queen of cups, joins with the dead god, the sun at the end of the cycle, the hierophant. From this union, is born the new year at winter solstice, the new star, the spark of fire in the earth. This promise of coming nobility from the earth is the rising summer sun, a knight of disks.

This is a call to remember the cycle, the wheel of the year. In the new year, she begins at Imbolc a journey from the Underworld that takes her until Ostara to complete. With her, she brings the promise of a new summer, a time of light and growth. We put a candle in the window to light her way home.

Put a candle in the window, she is coming home … (Thoughts, head)
Put a candle in the window, she is coming home … (Words, mouth)
Put a candle in the window, she is coming home … (Hearts, chest)

Just like the Irish saved western civilization from the dark ages, Brigid saves the light from the darkness. Goddess is mother of the new year. Brigid is foster-mother of our hopes and the midwife to our renewal.

We are each other’s allies in an intentional community of compassion in which we participate with each other. We participate in this community by each being the foster-mothers to our own spark of life; each of us a keeper of that flame. We are a community of lights, and together we are the light on the horizon that signals the dawn of the new year, the new God, and the return of Goddess.

Samhain – Spiral Dance ’03

Hail to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the WEST
It is on bended knee, I pray
at the edge of your holy well
with lips and tongue partake
of your sacred water of life.
It is from the west I began
my journey to the light,
and in the 100 trillion sacred wells
of my body I carry your message
of peace and power,
of compassion and community.
It is is a morning dew of awe
that I thank you for my life.
It is in a tidal wave of joy
that I thank you for family,
friends and love.
Welcome WEST.
Blessed Be!

By the grace of you go I.
May I always taste you on my lips
and feel you in my heart.
Go if you must,
Stay if you will.
Hail and farewell.
Blessed Be!

this is where

This is where my passion has gone
From a deathly fear of doing wrong
it has mellowed and aged as I have
litterally living in this hermit cave
I have no real remaining passion
except an addiction to masturbation
That is the true full circle I have travelled
from cherry brandy, from vagrant hotel
to wood finish wiskey and spider cave

Not a heroic Bruce, not a hero at all
Now I have an alienated clan and no right to rule