pillar of strength

I have a hard time with my part in the the work, because I know that I wasn’t there in my relationship. I was so caught up in my own stuff and locked in quicksand that I couldn’t manage to escape. I really, really messed things up in that regard.

But, I look back and wonder if anything would have made a difference really. I know I didn’t imagine everything, it’s just that I couldn’t deal with it or respond in a healthy way. But, she kept telling me that my fears were not real, and yet, here I am. I know it took both of us to get here.

I was so looking forward to getting through the bankruptcy and all that so that I could spend years making it up to her. But, it took the break-up for me to start really working on the depression and anxiety, so if I honestly don’t know if I’d have started therapy for depression without having broken up.

She was a pillar of strength that I roped myself to in order to weather the storm. But, instead of steering out of the storm, I stayed in it … until I no longer had her to hold me up.

I look back at some of the things I’ve done and just can’t believe how bizarre they seem to me now. So many things that I should have been aware where unhealthy. I mean, I knew better, but couldn’t change my behaviour.

But, after the break-up, a few days after when I started to work the depression angle for real, it seemed like everything changed for me. It was like I suddenly had clarity on things that didn’t make sense before. It was wild how different things were.

But, when it comes down to it: I failed to do my part of the work in the relationship and I have to accept responsibility for the consequences of that, even if I want to wail and moan that it’s not fair I ended up where I am.