the jury is still out

If it is true that there’s no point in trying to keep going in a difficult relationship; if she was right that it was too late for us and that the best thing was to end it; then, I should have cut off relations with my father years and years ago.

Of course my mother’s hate for him has hurt my relationship with her; Of course, my hatred for him has hurt every relationship I’ve ever had with people in my life, especially the ones that I love.

I am mentally, emotionally and, with the car accident, even physically scarred by my relationship with my father. And, yet, I keep coming back to that relationship, thinking that things will change, be different. “Maybe this time,” I think.

And, isn’t that exactly what I end up creating for my partners? Didn’t I put her in the position of being in a relationship with an impossibly difficult dynamic where she just ended up hoping that I would change, that if I knew I was hurting her that I would wake up and see that I had to change, that all the time I thought that I was trying was time that I was actually torturing her?

She could see how damaging it was that my father was in my life. Did she leave me so that she wouldn’t hate me? Did she leave because she was starting to hate me? And, why is it that I expected her to come back to me just because I can’t stop coming back for more abuse?

I made life for her into a living kind of hell where there was nothing that she could do right or to stop me from hurting myself or her or being full of anger and depression.

So, I think she would want that back? Am I freaking insane? Ah, there’s the thing: am I? I keep trying to make things with my father not painful, but the way that I do that is by staying in contact, trying again and again to get him to change. It’s trying the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

So what does that mean? Does that mean that I should do what she did? That’s a freaking round of justice for me if what she did to me what I should also do. So, I find myself learning how to deal with my father from the way that my ex-girlfriend dealt with me. And, that means that I accept that she made the right choice toward me if I do that. That makes it even harder to decide to do what she did.

But, how freaking episodic is that, to suddenly see all the pain and anguish and hurt that I feel in relation to my father as what I created for her? That I have done to her what I have been so hurt by myself? And, what do I do with this information?

Do I accept that she did the right thing, and break off relations with my father as being an example of how there’s no point in sticking with a difficult relationship? But, I want to believe that there could have been a way, should have been a way for her and I still to be together. What a mindfuck. Just as it’s insane for me to think that my father would change; it was insane for her to think that I would change, and since she is sane she left me.

So, am I sane?