alone, lonely and unloved

I’ve always thought that the reason I felt alone, lonely and unloved was because I needed to find an intimate companion. But, when I’ve had an intimate companion, those feelings have not gone away, and maybe have even been worse because I’ve been confused, frustrated and angry that those feelings have not gone away.

So, I feel alone, lonely and unloved, and that has nothing, apparently, to do with whether I’m in a relationship or not. Is it that I’ve felt alone, lonely and unloved because I’ve not loved myself?

With the 5-HTP and everything, I don’t really seem to be struggling with depression, unless I run out; but I’m still heartbroken, full of grief, full of despair, full of heartache and struggling with every thing that seems to be wrong with my life and myself.

How do I manage to love myself? How do I suddenly think that I’m worthy of love from myself or anyone else? How do I fully believe when half of me knows I am and the other knows I’m not?

When I was with her, I wanted her to be my entire life. When she was gone for 8 months, I lived for her return. But, my living for her was not having a full life. When a few months stretched to 8, I even lost faith and never fully recovered. When she left me for real, I lost what hope I had for my life after I had made it through everything else.

Many years ago, I asked someone out once and she asked me what I did outside of work, what life did I have? And, I couldn’t answer that I did anything. I didn’t have a life. Or, at least, not one outside of my head. I’ve lived in my own mind alone and lonely for so long that I’ve failed to realize that I had not managed to have a life of my own in the real world.

As I was growing up, I knew that I would move, that friends would never be seen again, that things I liked to do would not be around me forever. So, I think I stopped trying to have any attachments to things outside of myself. I did not allow myself to be attached to anything that I couldn’t trust to be there through a move, and so I ended up not trusting anything.

So, it’s a life that I must now learn to live, which I may never really have experienced or trusted. But, really, I’ve been here and been there before; it’s the doing that I’m not sure of anymore. Can I love myself through that doing?