I constantly find
tied in whether or not
a present to myself
I don’t think I want
but like good medicine
I take it and swallow
every toss and turn
head on bitter pillow
after sleeping alone
because I sent her home
something stopped me
but I wish I’d stop
sending energy in ways
that don’t serve me
wishing for things
I don’t even want
and know are better
gone for good 
than still around
in spite of what I think
I know better now
this feeling is fear
of success and failure
between those what’s left?
I’m losing too much 
of my energy in some way 
I haven’t figured out 
how to heal yet