Category: Notebook

Unpolished fragments and unfinished notes

the response

The fear is based on real stuff. What’s not working is the response. The response isn’t constructive to what he wants and hopes for. Goddess knows I’ve been there. I was right too. She was leaving me; she’d been trying to figure it out for who knows how long. But, instead of doing what would… Continue reading the response

withdraw

I know that one of the things that she hated was how I would withdraw. But, sometimes, when things got intense, I knew I was in an unhealthy spiral and I couldn’t figure out how to be in the conversation and get out of the spiral. So, the only thing I could find to do… Continue reading withdraw

even the neighbors hear

he thinks when he opens his mouth everyone can hear only he’s hard of hearing so he shouts when he’s loud enough he hears himself even the neighbors hear that he’s not thinking when he opens his mouth

predatory

he seems friendly but his polyamory is predatory he wants to meet because you’re fresh meat he greets you like a plate of meat he looks forward to greedily eating he doesn’t love or care for you he cares about the novelty of nailing you and he loves only himself is that really in service… Continue reading predatory

180 degrees

I really have come almost 180 degrees around on depression since I started doing the 5-HTP, and found, to me surprise, that anxiety, worry and fear, have been huge for me. I didn’t previously realize that these were not part of my depression, but something else. And, when I’d get anxious, I’d get depressed. And,… Continue reading 180 degrees

muck about me

In the back of my head, I keep thinking about marrying myself. Maybe I could do this as part of the 13th spiral in Oly? I don’t want to be selfish and make it all about me, but maybe I could have a part in the ritual that leaves behind the muck about me and… Continue reading muck about me

re-negotiate

I have a contract to re-negotiate. I did that a bit already, but I need to really work it out. Somehow I’ve come to the belief that when I was very young, around the time of my car accident, I arranged a contract with, who I’ve come to think of as, Ma’at that agreed to… Continue reading re-negotiate

malek taus

he comes and then he leaves you spent, exhausted but wanting more if you could handle it he’d be ready his wand is the axis of the world and he churns in you turning his precious substance into pearls that he leaves behind in you these pearls become stars that quiver from your skin into… Continue reading malek taus

produce aisle

Just tell me when, and I’ll meet you in the produce aisle smelling of pomegranates and limes this time I’ll bring kisses and you’ll forget the times I didn’t

sunshine in my brain

I want to tell you something. For some reason I’m afraid to say anything. I trust you more than I trust anyone else, but I’m afraid what you’ll think. I don’t mean to be mysterious. But, I’m afraid you won’t believe me. Or, that you’ll be mad that it’s happened now instead of a year… Continue reading sunshine in my brain

he’s too mousy for that

like a mommy cat if he had confidence bringing in a mouse he’s too mousy for that like a kid so desperately proud and needy asking you to watch how they’ve just learned to use the toilet there’s no accomplishment leaving things like clippings and pictures and things in your way like a cheater that… Continue reading he’s too mousy for that

you rush in and demand

you rush in and demand I take you seriously about things that don’t even matter plans for the future that may not occur or that could be made at that time in the future and when a decision has been made you proceed to make new problems for which plans need to be made right… Continue reading you rush in and demand

Lugh circle cast

We begin, 15 degrees Leo, at harvest time, marking space and time, as if with a plow in a field, traveling the year, looking forward, looking back to the fall ahead of us and a year ago to the winter ahead and ago to the spring ahead and ago to the summer ahead and ago… Continue reading Lugh circle cast

Lugh bind rune rhyme

We are the fruit of our past the seed of our future From the seed pierced by thorn grows the apple tree No trees without seed No fruit without trees No seed without harvest See also: Lugh circle cast, Updated Lugh bind rune rhyme

smash it

smash it smash it kill the christmas tree stomp it stomp it and give the remains to me I’ll tie it tie it tie it in a knot in the basement basement it will surely rot (This is actually something I wrote a very long time ago …)